Balance Baby

“Balance is a feeling derived from being whole and complete; it's a sense of harmony. It is essential to maintaining quality in life and work” -  (Joshua Osenga).

I assumed that when I started doing more Yoga and trained to be a teacher I’d soon be radiating deep peace and floating a few inches off the ground. It hasn’t happened yet and I’m starting to suspect it never will. I’d heard that a regular practice brings us into such profound connection with ourselves and our bodies that anything ‘toxic’ to us just isn’t appealing. I thought I’d be so at One and buzzing with such inner strength that I’d never again succumb to a family size bag of cheese puffs, beer just wouldn’t appeal and I'd be appalled by the sight of cake. Not so.

I still drink too much wine occasionally, use food to comfort myself and binge watch police dramas like it’s my job. I’m human, I over-indulge. I make decisions that sometimes don’t serve me. I get weak, I give in, get sad and angry and don’t instantly roll out my Yoga mat and deep breathe. I rage and cry and moan and complain. I try to self-soothe but I get overwhelmed, I can’t gain clarity and the last thing I want to do is be with myself. I want to escape myself. Yoga asks that we sit with what we’re going through and we feel it. And often we don’t want to feel it, we want to eat chocolate or scroll through Instagram or drink gin. Anything but be with the discomfort. Anything but be with ourselves.

Simply because we practice Yoga doesn’t mean we don’t experience the pain and discomfort of being alive. We can never remove that because growth comes from discomfort and we in our Wholeness are the full spectrum of Human emotions, from bliss to despair and back again. But here’s the thing, sometimes Yoga is sitting down with a hand on your heart and taking some deep breaths, sometimes Yoga is a glass of red and a pizza. Yoga is whatever is bringing you closer to yourself and all is balance.

The difference between where I am now and where I was a few years ago is that now I am (more) aware of what I’m experiencing and of my desire to run away from it before it settles and spirals out of control. Before  I  had a regular Yoga practice I would find myself rolling round in a cycle that went like this – anxiety and fear (because you know, Life) to confusion and pain, denial and guilt at my feelings, drinking/drugs/food/insert distraction du jour, leading to more self-hatred, guilt, shame and blame for over consuming what I knew wasn’t good for me in the first place.

When we commit to a regular practice we are committing to ourselves, to getting to know ourselves, our triggers, our limitations, our desires, our loves. And we learn to soothe ourselves in a constant play of Balance. Sometimes self-soothing looks like a Yin yoga practice, guided meditation and early night. Sometimes self-soothing looks like the pub with mates. 

Yoga gives us awareness. It doesn’t want us to deny ourselves anything other than the illusion that we are Whole and complete exactly as we are.

So if you over-indulged this bank holiday weekend, or any weekend, go easy on yourself, practice compassion, take a deep breath and know everything is Balance.